


tommy coolatta and the mortifying ordeal of being up for interpretation

by tieriaerde



Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Character Study, Fluff and Angst, Not A Game AU, Not Beta Read, Other, Post-Canon, They/Themrey, i guess? i dont know if you can count this as angst, rated T for "tommy coolatta says shit"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25409158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tieriaerde/pseuds/tieriaerde
Summary: "Tommy's, like, five,"he says quietly —bitterly."Remember that?"tommy and benrey on being misinterpreted.-DO NOT INTERACT WITH MY FICS IF YOU CONSUME OR CREATE NSFW CONTENT OF HLVRAI
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Tommy Coolatta, frenrey implied also, written with romantic tomrey in mind but COULD maybe be read as platonic. maybe
Comments: 13
Kudos: 158





	tommy coolatta and the mortifying ordeal of being up for interpretation

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Shifter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24702817) by [neildylandy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neildylandy/pseuds/neildylandy). 



> a sort-of sequel to my friend danny's fanfic, [Shifter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24702817)! you don't need to have read shifter to understand this fic, but please do read it if you can! danny is very very very talented and his writing is fantastic :-)

"Hey, Benrey?"

They don't say anything — they just turn their head to meet Tommy's gaze. They're laying down on the floor together, hands clasped and anchoring them to each other. Quietly, Tommy tries to peel apart the words that are all tangled in his head. "Do you think... d'you think the others, um..." He pauses. The question he wants to ask is _there,_ and he wants to know the answer, but he doesn't know how to say it. He tries anyway. "D'you think anyone actually likes me?"

Benrey squeezes his hand. "eeev'rybody likes tommy," they say, waving their free hand in the air. "coolest friend of tommy. coolest, AND nicest, AND best at shooting guns..." They count up to four on their fingers. Tommy thinks they probably counted "coolest" twice. He doesn't bother to correct them.

"I, I, I know, Benrey." He squeezes their hand back. "It's not... um..." He has to stop and think again, because the question still won't form itself quite right in his mouth. "It's like... when... like mistaking Sprite™ for water, 'cause they're the same color, of, of not having a color, even though they're different tastes." He's quiet for another long moment. Benrey nods and lets him work out his thoughts. (Benrey's the best.)

"Everybody likes "Tommy", but it's not... _me?_ They think... they think I'm Sprite™, but I'm not." Benrey makes a noise like they might be wanting to talk, but Tommy _just_ got done untangling these thoughts and he's gonna lose them if he doesn't say them now. "They like to, um, look at the cool Sprite™, and there's little bubbles, and, but..." He sighs. _"Tommy's, like, five,"_ he says quietly — _bitterly._ "Remember that?"

And there it is; that's the problem he's been trying to get at. Everybody likes Tommy, but everybody likes a version of Tommy that doesn't exist and never will. They're so _sickeningly_ kind to him, because in their eyes, he's just a kid who doesn't know what's good for him and needs to be protected. He would almost rather they hate him; at least he knows how to react to that. At least that's _simple._ This isn't simple, because he knows they mean well but it's not _him,_ and that hurts, and it makes him angry in a way he doesn't like to be.

"mmnyeah," Benrey says. "they got better at that, though. gordon said you're thirty-six. i think. right?"

"Yeah, to — to prove a point, maybe," Tommy huffs, even though he knows that's not true and that's not fair. "I mean — that's not... He _did_ say that... and I, I know they're trying, and — they _are_ getting better, but I just, I can't..." He shakes his head. His thoughts are all scrambled again, and his emotions are bleeding into them like food coloring in water. "D'you ever think about the fact that — that probably no one thinks of you in the, the, uhh, the exact same way that you think of yourself? That's scary. Right? And you can never know, you can never — Mr. Freeman can say I'm thirty-seven all he wants, but if he still sees me as a little kid anyway, I can't even do any — I can't change that." He glances at Benrey's hand in his. "Benrey, how'd you... When Mr. Freeman thought you were the bad guy, and that you hated him or something, what did you do?"

They wiggle uncomfortably. "mm. i don't really remember?" Tommy starts to say _that's okay,_ but Benrey keeps going. They're probably remembering more than they thought they were going to. "didn't wanna be bad, but he kept sayin' i was, so i..." Their grip on his hand is getting tighter. "thought maybe if he wanted me to be bad i should just do it." They smile weakly. "maybe don't do that one again. bad idea, didn't work. i would — i'd give that one zero stars on metacritic. game for losers, not fun at ALL. not even a little bit as fun as Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius for the PC and the PlayStation 2 and the Nintendo GameCube."

"That game is shit," Tommy says quietly. He watched Benrey play it once, and then they spent twice as long laughing at the Metacritic user reviews for it.

Benrey cackles. "yeah, it is," they say with a grin that looks a lot happier. Their grip on his hand isn't so much like a vice now. "best game of the year."

Their laugh has always been infectious. Even though he's still in a shitty mood, Tommy finds himself laughing with them. "Even better than — than Hot Brain for the, the PSP?"

They scoff. "nothin' better than Hot Brain for the PSP," they insist with a shake of their head. "nothin' better."

"Yeah," Tommy says. "Nothing better."

They fall into a comfortable sort of silence after that. Benrey looks like they're thinking about something, so Tommy just watches and waits patiently for them to work it out.

After a while, they finally say something. "talking helps." Tommy has to stop for a second to figure out what they mean by that, because at this point the conversation is so far removed from its original context that he's honestly surprised Benrey even remembered they were talking about that.

"Yeah, d-doesn't it? That's why I, that's why I talked to you about... it," he says. Benrey makes a face and pokes Tommy with his own hand.

"that's not what i meant," they say with a fake-disappointed _tsk-tsk-tsk._ "meant you should talk to gordon. 's good for you."

Tommy sighs. "Yeah, I should."

"you gonna?"

Because he hates thinking about this, he sighs again. "I dunno. I don't want to."

"yeah," Benrey says. "talking sucks. feels good, though, after?" They pause, probably mulling over how vulnerable they're willing to continue being today. "remember when you, when we had the BIG fight in the dumb bitch store — the Hazardway — and you made us talk to each other? remember that? man?"

He nods. "Y-yeah, he — you were sad, and, and Mr. Freeman was mad, and you — your feelings were mixing together into a... an evil, sort of stew. So I, so you had to talk to each other and make it... better."

"big apology hour," they say. "fixed the whole stew. fixed the whoooole stew and felt _way_ better after." Tommy can see the blush forming on Benrey's face, but for their sake, he chooses not to mention it. "talking's good, man. sucks before, but good after." They let go of Tommy's hand so that they can hold their pointer finger in his face. "pinky promise you'll talk to him?"

Tommy looks at the finger and contemplates quietly for a second. Benrey's right. He _should_ talk to Mr. Freeman about this, because he's been thinking about it for ages and he really, really would like to stop being mad at his friend for something that he hasn't even done in a long, long time. (When you can remember everything in perfect clarity, nothing ever really feels like that long ago.) But what if it doesn't turn out how Benrey is saying it will? What if it just makes all of Tommy's mean and ugly thoughts about Mr. Freeman worse, and what if he can _never_ stop worrying about this, or what if it turns out that Mr. Freeman really does just see him as a child and he can't do _anything_ about it —

Benrey shakes him by the shoulders. When he looks up at them, now sitting up and leaning over him, he sees their face lit up by the glowing blue light of his own eyes. He doesn't know when that happened. "tommy," they say. "calm down." They sing a few blue orbs into his face, and that makes him feel a little better.

"Sorry." He sighs, and the blue light fades. "I dunno, Benrey. My thoughts are too loud about this, I — I dunno if I can talk to, to Mr. Freeman about it. It's..."

He trails off. He doesn't know what it is. It just _sucks._

"you don't have to," Benrey says insistently. "never gotta do anything if you don't wanna." They give him a Look until he nods in agreement.

With another sigh, Tommy sits up. "Can I have a hug?" he asks. "I think I need a hug."

Benrey's already got their arms tight around him before he even finishes saying that. He can feel the stress drain from his body as he returns the embrace. "Thanks," he mumbles into the top of Benrey's head.

"mmmhm. always hug my best friend of tommy," they mumble back. "do you wanna keep talking about the thing? are we done talking?"

"I don't know," he says. "I — I think I wanna be done talking about it for now. But I'm... I'll try — I'll try talking to Mr. Freeman. Later."

He feels Benrey nod. "okay," they say. "later. only if you wanna, though, okaaay?"

"Uh huh. Only if I wanna."

They both go quiet for a little bit. It's a warm kind of quiet, and in the silence Tommy focuses on the feeling of Benrey's arms around him. It's warm. It's safe. It's secure. It doesn't expect anything of him. It doesn't _reject_ anything from him.

He loves them.

"I love you," he says.

Predictably, they scoff and say, "psh. gay."

Tommy knew they were going to do that, but it still makes him laugh. "I mean it!" he insists. "I love you. You're the best." When they don't respond, he hugs them tighter and says, "Y-you don't have to, um, say it back. I just — I just wanted you to know."

"thanks," they say, and Tommy can hear the smile in their voice as, at the same time, a long note of bright pink and blue Sweet Voice floats into the air around them. They both know what it means.

He's going to have to talk to Mr. Freeman eventually. He's going to have to talk about how scared he is of the way other people see him. He's going to have to confront all the things that make him scared, and upset, and angry at people who don't deserve it. He's going to have to do all of that, and he _is_ going to do it. He's sure of that.

Right now, though — right now, this is all that matters. Right now, he's okay just letting it be a problem for another day.

Right now, Benrey is here, and that means everything is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> _pink to blue means "i love you, too"._
> 
> my hlvrai hyperfixation is ruining my sleep schedule. i had the idea for this fic and then stayed up until 6 am multiple nights in a row because i literally couldn't stop thinking about it! anyway here's [some art](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/714543405186678796/734218392369627136/unknown.png) i drew for this fic because, again, couldn't stop thinking about it  
> and, on another note, please please please PLEASE read [these](https://www.metacritic.com/game/playstation-2/jimmy-neutron-boy-genius/user-reviews) [metacritic](https://www.metacritic.com/game/pc/jimmy-neutron-boy-genius/user-reviews) [reviews](https://www.metacritic.com/game/gamecube/jimmy-neutron-boy-genius/user-reviews) for the jimmy neutron: boy genius game, i haven't stopped thinking about them since i discovered them with my friends. they're incredible and i'm begging you to read them  
> last note: the sprite vs water metaphor is based directly on an experience i as a soda hater (yes i kin tommy yes i hate soda) had multiple times as a child where i accidentally drank sprite instead of water whenever we went to the bowling alley because they looked the same to me. i'm pretty sure that's actually the only reason that i hate soda now  
> if reception is good on this i may continue it since i did leave room for at least a second chapter and my brain is very full of frenmy all the time, but i can't make any promises. thanks for reading! <3  
> -  
> send me hate mail  
> tumblr: tieriakin  
> twitter: tieriakin


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